On the tenth, I saw my gynecologist again for my month post-op check-up. Turns out the stitch at the top of my vagina where my cervix used to be is infected, like I suspected. I curse that idiot NP who thought everything was “normal.” She didn’t even do a visual exam…my doc was not pleased to hear this.

Once again, if you’re a parent, teacher, or someone who doesn’t want to hear the minutiae of my sex life and drive, you might want to skip this one. You’ve been warned. Seriously- I talk about masturbation.


Some rule 34 should scare you off if you don’t believe me.
Now that those who need to step out have stepped out (or ran out, depending…I debated going for something much worse for that image, but decided not to be mean), back to the exam.

Although I’m glad he did it, the actual exam hurt like hell. The speculum hit me in all the wrong places (around the wound and on the abcess) and even the exam without the speculum caused me to see stars, and not the kind you want to see when someone has their finger in your vagina. My lady-bits are closed for business until I get the all clear from my doc. That said, as the inscision is weeping pus, I can’t imagine anyone would actually want to put a their penis near it – even though it’s impossible to see without the proper equipment. A note to those with vaginas: puss looks rather similar to the discharge that can come with a yeast infection, but thinner. You see this in your panties, go to your doc ASAP. Another way to identify it – you know the stuff that comes out when you pop a pimple? There’s the hard core and the off-white fluid? Imagine that fluid, but enough to necessitate a pad. Again, if you see that GO TO YOUR DOCTOR. It’s not smelly (thus why I didn’t think much of it until I was told what it was) and it can be missed if you aren’t paying close attention. I’m currently sitting at panty-liner level of discharge. That said, I’ve started seeing blood in it again and will, again, be calling my doc in the morning. I’m so sexy right now.

This infection makes me very glad that I don’t have a boyfriend or husband. I’ve not been allowed sexual activity for the last for weeks, for understandable reasons. Up until the last two, I wouldn’t have been able to help satisfy any needs thanks to exhaustion. Now, I just found out that there will be two more weeks of “nothing in your vagina.” This is why I don’t currently have a Tinder profile. As for an actual boyfriend, well, I’d imagine blow jobs get old after a while.

Granted, I’ve gotten clearance to do other stuff, whether with a partner or by myself. Just, and my doc couldn’t emphasize this enough, NOTHING IN THE VAGINA!! After we chatted briefly about it, my doc was relieved to learn that I actually know what a vagina is. Apparently it’s a common issue. Time for some education, folks.

Probably one of my favorite scenes from OITNB 
The vagina is not the visible part of the female genitalia. That (the lips/labia, clitoris, vaginal opening, urethral opening, perineum) is the vulva. That’s where most of the stimulation during sex comes from for most people with vaginas (we’re not going into the G-Spot here). The vagina itself is the tube connecting the cervix to the outside world – it’s where the penis goes when sex happens. It is internal. Yes, I know that probably blew a few minds. If you’re still lost, here’s a helpful diagram:

BAM! Vulva.
The above is what you see when you go down under. To see the actual vagina, you need a speculum and a flashlight. Before you grab a handmirror and start looking around down there, a note – each vulva is a little different. Some have really long inner vaginal lips, some have barely any to speak of. Vulvas come in all sorts of colors, shapes, and colors. However, if you have concerns, talk to your doctor. Believe me, they’ve heard it before. I’m not a doc, but if you have basic questions about female anatomy, I’m even willing to answer them (or tell you that I can’t and direct you to someone who can – the internet is a wonderful place). I’ve done this for both male and female friends who are curious about their or their partner’s anatomy (because asking the virgin is exactly what you should do when you’re worried about pleasing someone else). Now, let’s discuss the vagina and the parts around it.

This is what it all looks like inside, from the side. This drawing, unlike me, has not had a total hysterectomy.
See? The vagina is a tube that is inside the body. Still need more perspective? Here you go:

Simplified, but as you can see, the vagina is INSIDE THE FEMALE BODY.
Still with me? Basically, when she gasps “Oh, baby, I need you inside of me right now!” she means it literally.

Okay, time to get back to where this is relevant in what’s happening right now. Vaginal stuff is off the table. Instead of a cervix (don’t know what that is? Go back to the diagrams – that’s why they’re there), I now have an incision. That incision is currently weeping pus and blood – fun, right? And for those of you wondering what I look like inside, I would have a diagram, but I’m having trouble finding one. Every image of a total hysterectomy I can find has the tubes intact – mine are gone. Basically, subtract the uterus, erase the Fallopian tubes (but not the ovaries), get rid of the cervix, and just close the top of my vagina. From the outside, I still look more or less like the diagram of the vulva.

So, no dildos, no fingers, nothing inside at all. My vagina is healing so that it can be of fun use in a few weeks/months. But nothing was done to my vulva so…can I masturbate yet?

My doc said yes, by all means yes. If you’ve been following my blog, you know my sex drive has gone through the roof since the hysterectomy, leaving me more than a little frustrated. I finally tried to take care of some of that pressure the other night.

Well, there was success…but holy hell did it hurt – and not in a good way. First, some of my muscles are still really weak from surgery. Second, when aroused, the vagina produces fluid. This natural lube got on my infected incision…ow. Really ow. I had to cancel plans with Ed the next day (sorry I lied to you about the reason, Ed) because of the pain and the exhaustion from the resulting pain. From here on in, I think I’ll just take a cold shower when needed, at least until I’m completely healed. The pain makes sense, and I didn’t break any rules, but it wasn’t worth the orgasm.